my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
