Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I will pee on everything he values.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
