He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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