Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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