I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
