and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
