I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
