I looked at my own cervix.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
