I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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