respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
