so explain again why im purple
no
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
