I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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