I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
