omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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