You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
