Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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