On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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