WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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