My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
