There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
