We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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