when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i can't believe i had my finger in that
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
