end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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