Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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