Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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