the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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