I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
