guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
