I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
