he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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