My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
