we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
sarcasm needs its own font
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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