Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
