see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
