the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
