Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
