you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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