Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
