Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
