Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
