There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
