he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
