If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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