I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Shame - the story of my life.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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