I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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