Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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