I wish I could teleport
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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