i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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