Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
