My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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