I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
