They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
