I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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