I just pynch a tree in the face
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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