she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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