my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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