Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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