I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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